I wrote the following in January, but somehow it's relevant again now – just the other way around from what you'd expect.
When you're not doing well yourself, when everything becomes too much, or when your emotions are uncontrollable, that's just how it is at first. It is what it is, you eventually learn that this is the case and that it's okay.
Even if it doesn't feel like it in that moment: Somewhere, you still have control. Or rather, you have to deal with it yourself – even when you feel like you have no control at all. Many people withdraw then. They stay to themselves. They don't burden anyone. Not because it's easy – but because there's a fear of being a burden to someone. Of being annoying. Of being too much. Of being a burden.
Whether you're in hospital, at home, or somewhere in between: You try to get through it alone. You want to deal with it yourself. "You can't help me anyway" – one of my standard phrases that I like to throw at therapists etc., indirectly alienating many people regularly. And yes – going through that is terrible. Very terrible.
But in a different, very unique way, it's terrible when you know that people around you are struggling. When you sense it. When you feel it. When you just know it. No matter how wide the smile they put on. And you feel like you can't do anything. Then suddenly, you have no control at all.
You want to help, give everything, make everything possible – and you're not allowed to or can't. This helplessness paralyzes and hurts very, very much. It brings with it feelings and a loss of control that are hard to bear.
From experience, I believe I can say: People who have been at rock bottom often try everything to spare their social circle exactly that.
Their family. Friends. Fellow sufferers. Their partner. They don't want others to have to feel that way – or to have to endure it for too long. And then alone. If these people then also refuse help because they believe they are a burden or too much, a painful cycle closes.
You stand at this point: Paralyzed. Helpless.
And that hurts very, very much. Because you know what it's like.
